Swirlwind

Grandpa was admitted to the hospital two nights ago, and he’s not doing well. An aggravated infection and an infarction, and as always, there’s no way to know which way the scales will tip. I’m going to Raahe tomorrow to spend a couple of days there, keeping grandma company and visiting grandpa.

It’s been about eight years since I last lost someone I loved. I have no idea how I would react to death now, and I’m not particularly eager to find out. I hold out hope for grandpa to get better, but then again, the inescapable truth is that he’s not getting any younger. If it’s not this one, maybe it’ll be the one after that or the one after that. And I won’t be ready, because you never really can be.

One of my best friends took a plane to Berlin yesterday, and plans to stay for at least a year, or maybe for good. I’m really happy for her, because this is what she wanted for so long, and now it’s happened. Of course, at the same time I’m really sad for myself, because I love spending time with her, and now there’s no knowing when the next time will be. Another really good friend will be taking off later this month, to join her busband in Bangalore. Again, the mix of happiness and sadness, and just this feeling of all-encompassing loss. It’s not fair, really, since it’s not like I’m losing them. It just feels like it, that’s all.

Okay, this is going to the wrong direction a bit too fast. Let’s try something from the other end of the spectrum:

Yesterday I took part in a translation competition a friend tipped me of. I translated a short story by the Finnish author Maritta Lintunen from Finnish to English, and boy, it was hard. I haven’t translated much prose before, and it really shows. Still, I did my best, and I finished it even though there was a point where I seriously considered just giving up. I’ve no idea how well or poorly I did, but for me the important thing is that I finished it and did my best. I guess I’ll find out how I measured up sometime in November when they publish the results of the competition.

Today I have a lunch date with another really good friend of mine, which hopefully will lift my spirits somewhat. We’ll have lovely Indian food and a good conversation, and I’ll feel better. Besides, it’s autumn, and it’s beautiful outside. The world keeps turning, and everything is just around the corner.

It’s a gorram shame Firefly flies no more. It was no less than brilliant; in fact I had quite forgotten how good it was until I went and watched it (again) in the space of a few days. Sure, I remembered loving it, but I’d forgotten what that love felt like, and now it’s all fresh in my mind again. *sigh* It’s just too damn bad. Tomorrow I will cap it off by watching Serenity, and then I’ll bury it again for a while.

What I should be doing is designing a website for my private trader company called Write Words Language Services. Yeah, I’m an entrepreneur, my friends. Feels funny, but it’s true. Now all I need to do is make some business happen, and I’m all set. Fortunately I have at least one job coming up, and a possible little something else as well. There are still some loose ends that need tying up, but nothing that can’t be handled. I’m pretty happy about the way things are for the moment, and hopefully more good stuff is coming my way soon.

Something occurred to me today, just out of the blue: I’ve become way too serious about stuff. I mean, the part of my personality that wants to plan everything ahead, that says ‘no’ as the first, instinctual response to everything suggested, that balks at the idea of throwing a good party or heck, even attending one, is nowadays the dominant part of the whole. I’m not sure when this happened. I’m not even sure there actually was a time when it wasn’t like this, but I have a vague memory of sometimes, in some circumstances me being different. It seems like the imaginative, whimsical part of me is just gone, or buried somewhere deep, and it’s taken me a really long time to even miss it.

I’ve become a sourpuss.

What the hell? How can this be undone? I mean, yes, I’ve always been the kind of person who doesn’t let whimsy take over everything, you know, a person who needs a basic structure to hold things together, but a sourpuss? Only occasionally, my friend! Not as the norm. Sure, there are times when one needs to organise things and take stuff seriously, but that shouldn’t mean that life is all about structure. I’m not an accountant, for crying out loud! (No offense to accountants out there, it’s a respectable profession, I’m sure, just not what I’ve ever aimed at in life. Plus, sucking at math, here.)

So, what do you do when you have little money? You use your imagination to make ends meet, and try to have fun with what you have. What do you do when you don’t have a job? Repeat answer no. 1 and also, try to build up that crumbling professional self esteem however you can. Looking back at this time in my life, what is it that will stick out the most? The fact that I couldn’t land a job after graduation? The fact that most of the time, it made me miserable? The only motto I’ve ever lived by is ‘no regrets’. You did something wrong, you say you’re sorry. You messed something up, you try harder next time. You took the wrong path, well, either turn around or make it work. Hell, make it sing. It’s not over, it’s not even close.

This mood will pass, even when I’d like to hold on to it, but let it not be gone for good this time.

Disclaimer: My space, my thoughts. I will rant here, because this is stuff that’s bothering me and needs to be let out, but if spoken aloud would hurt people’s feelings for no good reason. So, here it is, where the people who might be affected will never read it.

We’re in Raahe, taking care of my ill grandma and balance-challenged grandpa (the parents are in Birmingham for a week). My grandparents are sweet and I love them, but this is not how I was going to spend the extended weekend, and it affects me even when I try not to let it. Grandma has the habit of bossing people around, and since I just have to suck it up and take it even when it grates me, this is where I bitch. I know it’s immature of me, but I can’t help reacting this way. The only thing I can do about it is not to show it.

There’s just something about being at someone’s beck and call all the time, which I find both difficult and annoying. This coupled with the fact that I’m constantly worried about grandma, trying to monitor whether the situation worsens and she should be taken to the hospital, just makes me irate. I know she already feels guilty for us being here, because she hates to be a burden, so I keep holding onto a happy face around her to make her feel better. And it’s not all bad, since I do enjoy spending time with them and listening to their stories. It’s just the annoying feeling of the whole thing being compulsory that gets on my nerves. I deal really badly with being forced to do something, even when I’ve actually volunteered to do it and can completely understand it has to be done. I think it’s something that should get better with age, but in my case it just seems to get worse. The only improvement is that I mostly manage to keep my annoyment to myself. Usually, anyway.

This character flaw is one major reason for me to think I should never have children of my own.

Okay, it’s off my chest now. I’ll give myself a few more minutes before I go make coffee for grandpa and onion milk (don’t ask) for grandma…

One of the blogs I follow, called Jatulintarha by Jenny Kangasvuo was deleted by Blogsome a few days ago without any warning. She reported the problem via the Blogsome forum, and the answer she got was not very reassuring:

The blog was intentionally deleted by an administrator yesterday. It seems that a complaint was received about it, but I don’t have any details of the complaint.

According to Blogsome’s terms of service, they have the right to terminate the service they offer at any time, without any explanation:

Browse The World Ltd. shall also have the right without notice and at any time to terminate the blogsome.com web site or any portion thereof, or any products or services offered through the blogsome.com web site, or to terminate any individual’s right to access or use the blogsome.com web site or any portion thereof.

You agree that any termination of your access to the sevices so provided under any provision of these Terms of Service may be effected without prior notice, and acknowledge and agree that Browse The World / blogsome.com may immediately deactivate or delete your blogsome.com site/blog and all related information and files in your blogsome.com site/blog and/or bar any further access to such files or the blgosome service. Further, you agree that Browse The World shall not be liable to you or any third-party for any termination of your access to the service.

The blog was back online today when I checked it, but according to Jenny, there has been no explanation as to the nature of the complaint received or for anything else, for that matter. Sure, we all agreed to the terms of service when we first put up our blogs, but I still think that it’s going a bit far to just delete a blog after receiving one complaint and never even contacting the blog owner first. Hell, the least they could do is to tell Jenny what the complaint was about.

Of course, the reason may very well be related to the nature of the blog, here described by Jaakko Meriläinen:

The blog in question was written in Finnish by a well-known Finnish feminist researcher and sexual minority rights activist and it contained, in addition to personal reflection, texts about Finnish academia and her research on pornography and sexual minority issues, with the tag “porno” being used.

I for one am feeling quite apprehensive about continuing to use Blogsome as the host for my blogs. Annoyingly enough, it is the best free blog service I’ve come across so far, at least from a technical standpoint. So, what to do? Any suggestions for better free hosts?

Edit later:

The admins at the Blogsome forum clarified the issue, and I for one am satisfied with the result:

I apologise for the error made. Just a little bit of background - we get literally 100’s of pornographic blogs set up (and 100’s that are in flagrant breach of copyright). It is not an easy task picking out valid ones from bad ones. If this is an error it is the first, following the deletion of 1000’s of pretty awful blogs. The task is made more difficult as we don’t particularly like looking at the porno blogs in detail to investigate.

In relation to this case, it wasn’t a random deletion. The error arose from a blog post entitled:
“Give me crack and anal sex”
http://jatulintarha.blogsome.com/2007/10/03/give-me-crack-and-anal-sex/
The reviewer assumed that this was a pornographic blog in error and deleted.

I think that’s a fairly reasonable mistake to make, especially if one doesn’t speak Finnish and thus is not able to read the full entry. Now that the admin actually apologised and fixed the mistake, I think it’s not necessary for me to look for another host for my blogs. I find it reassuring to see that things can be resolved quickly and openly with Blogsome admins.

Go See It.

One of the most haunting and impressive scenes in film history:

This rain feels like the beginning of summer. Like it can wipe away all the lingering remains of winter and bring in the new and the fresh. I’m really looking forward to the rest of the snow melting away.

Grandma Elvi has once again been hospitalised. She suffers from an infection, but this time she’s also experiencing hallucinations and a lot of what she says makes very little sense. She seems to recognise people, but it’s like she has stepped out of reality to somewhere else. We don’t know if she’s coming back.

We have ordered our engagement rings and my wedding ring. I don’t know exactly how long it will take to make them, but we’ll get them sooner or later. We’ve also pretty much decided on the wedding date, but since the place is still to be decided, I think I will hold on to the secret for a while yet. At any rate, it’s not this year, so it’s not like there’s any rush.

I forgot my Ankh pendant in Raahe the last time we visited. I’ve found myself missing it quite a few times. Huh.

I meant to write this particular entry for my birthday, but hey, lately my plans really haven’t worked out the way I thought they would, so why would this be any different? The inspiration came from two entries written by Siren in her Finnish blog, Sudet tulevat. She listed her fictional male and female crushes, and got me thinking about mine. ‘Cause I sure have a few…

So, this is how it works. The ladies and gents are in no particular order, because I couldn’t possibly come up with an order of preference. Any one of them I would bed in a heartbeat, and soon I will tell you why. Most of them I would never give the time of day in real life, but this is fiction, not real life. Also, only characters from movies and TV-series are included, because otherwise there would never be an end to this entry.

First I give you an image of the character (click to enlarge) and their name, and the movie/series s/he is from will be within parentheses. A word of warning: some spoilers regarding the movies/series will surely follow, so consider yourselves adequately informed. (The images are taken from all over the web, so none of them are owned by yours truly.)

We’ll start with the gents:

Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars)

Born into a wealthy family, abused by his famous father, hated by many and loved by few. Logan is the very definition of damaged goods, and I absolutely adore him as a character. Witty, passionate, complicated, self-destructive, tough, yet vulnerable. His love for Veronica makes him approachable despite his less appealing characteristics, and by the end of the first season, his character was the one thing that got me coming back for more. I hate the way things ultimately ended as far as Logan was concerned, but his character will always be included in my list of fictional crushes.

William the Bloody aka Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

The spurned romantic turned into a soulless bloodsucker, who still somehow managed to hold on to his humanity. Sure, he was a vicious killer, but at the same time he sincerely loved Drusilla, and later Buffy. Spike epitomises a person who is ruled by his passions. “Love’s bitch”, as he calls himself. He is incredibly perceptive and intuitive, and entirely honest to himself about the things that drive him. While he fancies himself a bad boy, even evil, it is clear from the first time his character enters the series that neither of those qualities do him justice. Spike steals every scene he’s in, and I could never get enough of him.

John Crichton (Farscape)

The intrepid explorer, the brilliant scientist and the kick-ass (anti?)hero all rolled in one. While Crichton is a wonderful character all on his own, it’s his love for Aeryn and his best-buddies-friendship with D’Argo that truly make his character stand out as exceptional (and exceptionally hawt). To me, Crichton represents humanity’s best characteristics, and if we ever needed to send an embassador to meet aliens in space, he’d be the one we should pick. Brains, brawn and, perhaps most importantly, heart.

Malcolm “Mal” Reynolds (Firefly)

Fiercely loyal and stubborn to the point of stupidity, Mal holds on to his ideals and the people who form his family aboard the Serenity. Behind the tough-as-nails exterior, Mal would do anything, go to any lengths to protect his people from harm. And while he never really manages to confess his love for Inara, it’s clear he feels it. However, my favourite relationship in the series is the one between Mal and his second-in-command, Zoë. Utter trust and an understanding so deep, it requires no words.

Lenny Nero (Strange Days)

Lenny starts off as a pathetic loser who has sacrificed everything in order to hold on to his memories of a relationship that ended long ago. He has pawned his pride and is unable to recognise the people who use him from the people who truly care about him. It takes a real twist of fate to turn him around and find himself, but when he finally does, the transformation is pretty spectacular. Lenny is one of my all time favourite antiheroes, and I love him to pieces. Mostly it’s because despite his utter spinelessness at the beginning, he’s still a man of strong emotions. It’s really love that sank his boat, and I find the ability to love to be the ultimate turn-on.

James “Sawyer” Ford (Lost)

Lying, cheating, swindling rogue with (once again) heart. Sawyer is a damaged goods character, who cons because he’s been conned. There is nothing refined as to why he is so appealing to women, on the contrary, his appeal is rough, almost primal. However, at the same time he is clearly intelligent, which gives his character added depth. The accessibility to his character lies in his relationships with others, namely Kate, and, to a lesser extent, Hurley, Jin, Claire and Juliet.

Michael Samuelle (La Femme Nikita)

Cold as ice, yet containing such repressed emotion it’s a wonder he doesn’t burst. The relationship between Michael and Nikita is what kept the show going, and it flat out does it for me. Once again, Michael is seriously damaged goods. He starts out as practically an automaton, but slowly Nikita brings him out of his shell. Later, as we learn about the death of his wife, and his current family (especially his son), his character gains layers and becomes even more compelling. Gotta hate the mullet, but his soft French makes up for it quite nicely ;)

Han Solo (Star Wars)

The lovable rogue. Contrasted with Luke’s boyishness and naiveté, Han initially comes off as a self-serving Don Juan, but fortunately turns out to be more than that. Just as fortunately he still retains the roguish characteristics even when demonstrating courage, which keeps his character from remaining one-dimensional. Gotta love the cocky attitude paired with loyalty to his friends and loved ones.

Wolverine (X-Men)

There’s slight cheating in place here. I didn’t love any of the X-Men movies, but I’m an avid fan of the comics, and I love the comic character Wolverine. I also love Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, but for (to some extent) different reasons. First of all, physical hawtness and sex appeal. Secondly, the love triangle between Wolverine, Jean Grey and Cyclops. Thirdly, because Wolvie will always do what no one else can, is tough-as-adamantium and despite all the ass-kickings he’s both given and received, he’s still a pretty darn smart guy. Sure, more heart than brains, but I’ve always been into passionate guys, and he definitely fits the description.

Morpheus (The Matrix)

Okay, I have a thing for Laurence Fishburne. I just do. Now, Laurence Fishburne + martial arts skills + cool outfits + a katana + philosophical sci-fi musings = hawtness. My only regret is that Morpheus played such a minor role in the sequels for the Matrix, but disregarding all that, HAWTNESS. Full stop.

Now it’s the ladies’ turn:

Zoë Washburne (Firefly)

A woman of unflinching loyalty and duty. At the same time, a woman of love and devotion to her husband and extended family aboard the Serenity. I’ve always been intrigued by the relationship between Zoë and Mal, which is so different compared to the relationship between her and Wash. Zoë and Mal are inseparable, but their personal relationship is built on their relationship as soldiers, and as Mal being Zoë’s commanding officer. At the same time Zoë and Wash are inseparable, but the ties between them are the ties between a man and a woman in love with each other. It is the most interesting “love triangle” I’ve ever stumbled upon, and it’s a damned shame I don’t get to delve deeper into it. Zoë is gorgeous, both in the military mode and out of it.

Faith (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

The dark slayer. Overt sexiness personified. The bad girl. She’ll kick your ass whether you’re on the street or in bed, and that’s what I love in a (fictional) person. Faith is damaged goods and often not very likeable, but damn, she’s hawt. However, what really made her character interesting was her relationship with the Mayor. She could never be loved for who she was in the Scooby gang, because Buffy already occupied the Slayer spot, but for the Mayor, she was unique. Always led by her emotions, Faith is in many ways the feminine counterpart for Spike/Logan/Sawyer/insert your favourite bad boy with heart here.

Lornette “Mace” Mason (Strange Days)

Characterised by her sense of loyalty and duty coupled with both physical and emotional strength, Mace is the polar opposite of Lenny. When she was weak and vulnerable, Lenny (before his eventual downfall) was there for her, and she always loved him for it. She is there for him long after he’s stopped deserving it, and eventually it’s she who instigates the change for the better in Lenny. One of my favourite Mace moments is when she drives the car off the pier and extends her arm to keep Lenny from getting hurt by the impact. It’s the quintessential reversal of traditional male-female roles, and it describes their characters perfectly. I could probably love Mace.

Kara “Starbuck” Thrace (Battlestar Galactica)

Reckless, capable, weak and strong at the same time. Starbuck resembles Faith quite strongly, but she has an added feeling of maturity I can’t really put my finger on. It’s not emotional maturity, that much is for sure, but maybe it’s the fact that she never actually crosses over to the “dark side”, while Faith does. Her complicated relationship with Apollo is interesting, but I think I’d find it more compelling if I actually liked Apollo better. As it is, Starbuck is for me the main reason to keep watching Galactica. I loved her best with short hair, but she’s hawt enough for me to put up with the longer hairdo as well…

Major Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex)

More machine than human, capable both physically and mentally, and in many ways androgynous despite her obviously feminine shape. Kusanagi is a mystery, both to her team members and to the viewer. Is humanity dependent on having a biological, human body? Kusanagi lost hers as a little girl, and her consciousness was transferred into a cybernetic body. She doesn’t feel the same way as a biological human does, doesn’t have the gender identity of a typical woman, the list goes on. The closest thing to a human relationship Kusanagi has is arguably between her and Batou, who is also almost entirely cybernetic. However, Batou is still clearly a man inside his head, and, for instance, keeps lifting weights even though there is no physical benefit to be had from the exercise. I find Kusanagi extremely compelling both physically and psychologically.

Aeryn Sun (Farscape)

Aeryn started out as a total soldier grunt, so brainwashed by her Peacekeeper background that there was almost no personality attached to her gorgeous form. After joining the crew of Moya, Aeryn began her journey towards becoming an actual person instead of being merely an extension to her weapons. She is strong and capable (as are all my female crushes, and most of the men as well, it seems), and increasingly human, even though strictly speaking she isn’t. Her love for Crichton gives her added depth, and their relationship has definitely become one of my all time favourites in any fiction.

Sarah Connor (Terminator 2 & Sarah Connor Chronicles)

Sarah has devoted her entire existence to her son and by extension, the future of mankind. Whatever comes her way, her number one priority never changes. Her fight against the machines has almost made a machine out of herself. It doesn’t mean she is incapable of feeling, quite the contrary, but she is still stalwart in her purpose. Take away John Connor, and there isn’t much left of Sarah. However, she is still very much a woman and a mother. She loves so selflessly and unconditionally, it is impossible not to admire that. Plus, she’s hawt, in all her incarnations.

Lisbeth Salander (Män som hatar kvinnor)

Okay, Lisbeth is probably the most damaged person on my list. Her past is so dark, it’s pretty much impossible to consider her entirely sane anymore, and yet she is one of the most compelling and attractive characters I’ve ever come across. Having been victimised a lot in her life, she still refuses to be a victim, which shows remarkable psychological and emotional strength. She is both the hero and the villain, and still remains utterly believable. She takes my breath away.

So, that’s it, at least for now. Shall I throw the ball to your corner next?

There is this person in my life.

For four and a half years, he’s been with me. It wasn’t easy, at first, since I was carrying quite a bit of baggage from previous relationships, but he was very patient with me. I’ve never met a better listener, or a less judgmental one.

He travelled to the other side of the world to be with me, and when we came back, he moved in with me for good. We’re both loners by nature, but somehow we never seem to be bothered by each other’s presence. He’s seen me at my absolute worst and weakest, as well as my best and strongest, and takes the swiftness of my mood changes pretty much in stride. There is no one in this world I trust more.

The only dream I have is of us growing old together. The biggest fear I have is me surviving him.

And so, when he came home from work today, carrying half a dozen dark red, velvety roses and two pieces of cake, and later asked me to marry him, I said yes.

Suck it up son o’ mine
Thunder blowin’ up your horizon

Changes come
Keep your dignity
Take the high road
Take it like a man
(Puscifer - Momma Sed)

Without giving anything away for fear the winds will change and blow it all away, I think I’ve found what to do with myself. I will give it a little time and a little effort, see if this thing takes root, and if it’s worth it to go chase the tornado. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about myself, it’s not to make rash decisions. Suffice to say, I haven’t felt this good about anything in years. I think the last time was when I was accepted to study at the university, and this path I’m looking at now would be if not entirely a logical, at least an emotional continuance to that one important turn in my life.

All my life I’ve struggled with the idealistic notion of incorporating passion into what would become my life’s work. I’ve wanted to love what I do, not just earn money and live my life when not at work. I’ve wanted to care about whatever it is I end up doing, but I’ve never managed to come up with something I’m that passionate about, and what still might earn me a living. Well, it may be there is little or no money to be had if I take this path I’m contemplating, but there is passion and love. Now it comes down to courage, determination, and luck.

And I’ve always considered myself lucky.

So quiet. I’m at the computer every day, sometimes I even consider writing a little bit of this or that in SW, but never get around to it. Currently I’m working on a translation, which has proven to be a bit more difficult than I originally thought, but which will have to get done regardless. It’s not a real job thingy, more like a favour, but at least it’s an exercise of the skills I sometimes think I’ve lost already. I haven’t, not really, but I still need to be reminded that they’re there. And sometimes I still don’t believe it.

Apparently this is what unemployment does to me. Gives me doubts upon doubts about myself. About how the world works and how I don’t in it.

There is more negative space in my head lately. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it depression, but it’s something.

I wish I had more courage.

Okay, executive decision: we’re not sending out Joulu cards this year. We left it until the last possible minute due to some unforeseen circumstances, and I refuse to let it become just another chore that needs doing. So, no cards this year, no guilty conscience, and no undue stress. Just so you know.

I scored an interview, Tuesday will show how the ball rolls. Nervous doesn’t really cover it, I’m afraid. Still, I’m so pleased I’ve got this far! Here’s hoping I get to go all the way.

[Edit: Whoops, I was a bit early with the above statement. Yes, I’ll be interviewed, but no, not next week. The interview date is Tuesday the 28th, so I’ve got a week and a half to be nervous about it…]

How about starting with something small?

This is the current soundtrack of my existence (the song, not the video…):

I’m still waiting. But I have to admit, I’m slightly losing heart here.

And if this doesn’t work out?

I think the biggest reason for all this silence is the fact that I’m avoiding initiating a dialogue with myself. In fact, lately I’ve been avoiding pretty much everything. If I don’t acknowledge it, it doesn’t exist. Denial.

Too bad life doesn’t work that way. Sitting here, alone, forces me to face myself. No masks, no distractions, just me. But who am I?

I’ve always wondered if life is easier for people who have a passion for something and go after it. Or people who are really good at something and end up making a career out of it. I think it’s probably great when it works out, but if you end up crashing and burning, it’s damn difficult to recover from. I’ve never been passionate about anything for more than a day at a time. The good thing is, I don’t get depressed or upset for long periods of time, but the downside is that I’m in a constant state of confusion. Today I believe in human rights, tomorrow I despise humanity and think the world is better off without us. One day I think positively about everything, the next I wallow in desperation. Some days I can do anything, other days I’m paralysed with fear. So who am I, really?

And what the hell am I supposed to do with this life of mine? I feel like I’m standing in a crossroads, and all the roads are equally strange and intimidating. All dark, all unknowable. And if I choose one, I can never choose another. Thinking about it rationally, I understand that nothing in life is permanent. Still, I don’t want to choose and then realise I made a mistake. I’m afraid of making mistakes. Regrets. Admitting I was wrong all along.

It’s fear all over again.

Tomorrow it’s official.

I did good.

The weather outside is absolutely perfect, but I’ve got work to do. On Wed I had a meeting with my G-person, and I got a lot of good and necessary feedback. The downside to this is that there’s much more to work on than I had expected, which gave me pause (and frustration) for a few days, but I think I’ve for the most part got over it. I spent yesterday making all kinds of small corrections, mostly grammar and clause structure repair, etc. Today I need to concentrate on the bigger issues, such as moving information around and adding to it where necessary. I’m hoping to be done by early next week, after which I need to print out the work (probably in three copies) and take it to be bound. After that I still need to write the summary (in English) and the maturity exam (in Finnish), which in my case will be an essay I write on my own instead of in an exam situation. Finally, after all this is done, I can hopefully breathe easy.

I have to admit, there’s a strong temptation to just be done with the revisions and hand the damn thing in. However, I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror after all this is done and be sure that I gave it my everything. As long as that is true, the grade won’t matter. Or well, if it’s a bad one, it won’t matter as much, and if it’s a good one, I can be proud of it.

So, no sunny days for me. Fortunately we did get to enjoy the May Day’s lovely weather in the company of a bunch of friends we hadn’t seen in a really long time, and the picnic was a lot of fun. I also managed to burn the back of my neck in the sun, which is a first for this summer. Well, there will be other sunny days when there’s finally nothing I should be doing instead of enjoying them. At least there’d damn well better be.

I’m having a very ugly day. It all started out well, then took a turn downhill and just kept going. I don’t really want to explain what’s wrong, because it really isn’t such a big deal, but my mind keeps turning it into more than it is. So I’m wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, being generally bitchy and so on. We got invited to a friend’s place to enjoy the eve of May in good company, but when I’m like this, I’m really not good company to anyone. So, Leke went alone, and I’m sitting at home brooding.

A part of me wants to hold it against him. It’s a small part, and I recognise it for what it is: sheer selfishness. Since I can’t not feel it, I did the second best. I let him go, and hope to have the strength of will not to be a bitch about it later. This mood will pass, and it’s not his fault that I’m feeling it now. There are days when I’m not fit for other people’s company. Usually that doesn’t include Leke, but I guess this time it did. This ugliness inside my head is too personal for me to share it with anyone right now.

Tomorrow I’ll be better. Until then, keep your distance.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first full draft of my thesis has now been sent to my G-person for reviewing.

Stats (only including pages from Introduction to Conclusions and Implications):
Page count: 58
Word count: 21,565

Stats (including everything):
Page count: 74
Word count: 24,992

I’m going to have ice cream now.

Your Slogan Should Be

Emma. Stronger than Pain.

Via Moira.

Man, I want it to be summer already. Or even spring. I’m actually starting to think that (since the world revolves around me) the weather is linked to my G. Spring won’t come until the damn thing is done. Wouldn’t surprise me one bit.

I haven’t really left the apartment much lately (unless occasional grocery shopping counts). We did manage to attend one RPG session last week, but other than that, there’s been no going to movies or the city centre, taking walks, seeing friends or any such thing. It’s like I have an umbilical cord attaching me to the computer and the apartment as a whole. I’ve been suffering from the “I should be working on my G” syndrome for too long, and apparently it just gets worse as the deadline approaches. I swear to get out more once this is done. And haul my ass to the gym, too.

I was a really good girl all weekend: several hours of G work in the mornings and the early afternoons, and episodes of the second season of the obscenely good Deadwood in the evenings, accompanied by my love. I have to say, the series rocks my socks off. I can’t think of enough superlatives to describe it any better than that.

So, how is the G? Well, it’s pretty OK, thanks for asking. I spent the weekend working on the theory part, implementing the revisions my G person suggested, and yesterday I sent it back for her to see if I did good or not. As far as I’m concerned, the theory part is now done. I’ll read it through one more time at some stage (probably next weekend), but until then I won’t even look at it. It’s all about the analysis now, as I’m woefully behind schedule with that one. Still, there’s the feeling of calm around me now that the deadline is fast approaching. I’m feeling rather levelheaded, even. I’d be surprised if it lasts for the full two weeks, but I’m happy about it regardless. Oh, and I’m also pleased with my academic success, as after compiling the Film Studies minor, I received the overall grade 5, which is the best one can get. A small thing, but it did make me smile.

There are good things ahead. The G will take form, it will be as good as I can manage, and most importantly, it will stop ruling my life. And spring will come.

Enough emotional turmoil. I actually advanced the G yesterday, and while the analysis part is still very much undone, the whole of it is taking shape. I finally have a file labelled Pro Gradu, with a Table of Contents and all that. I have altogether 40 pages of stuff out of which a good amount is just corpus article text, but the analysis will be there. As I said, it’s taking shape. Two weeks to go.

I woke up stuffy all over. My nose, throat, eyes… So not the time to fall ill. So I won’t. Tea is on its way.

I will make this happen.

Best days of our lives
Better be the best days of our lives
Bring on the best days of our lives
Coming right up
Coming right up
If we can just get through this one
(Imogen Heap - Not Now But Soon)

How much longer will this damn transition last? I’m getting desperate, I mean really. I’m losing my mind here. My patience, my nerves, my hope. This will never end. And yet it has to, and it will. I’m so sick of it, of myself, of my life. The constant waiting, waiting for me to be able to function, to find the strength to drag myself out of this hole of my own making. Please, let this end already! Let there be better days ahead.

The windows are dirty and there is snow outside, and it’s like looking at the view inside my head. There are moments when I just don’t know if I can do this. And if somehow I manage, it will only be due to sheer desperation. There is too much riding on this for me to fail. I’ve built it up to mean more than it’s supposed to, and if I fuck it up, I don’t know what will happen. Maybe I’ll just be stuck in this limbo forever.

For days now I’ve been unable to move forward. I’ve read eight books in less than that amount of days, none of which have anything to do with what I’m supposed to do. How the hell did I get here again? How the hell do I get out? I have a little over two weeks left and I’m barely treading water. How pathetic.

I’m exhausted, but I’m not giving up. Trust this moment to pass, and the next mood to take over. It’s just around the corner. It’s almost here. Right?

Okay, I’m losing count here, and as I’m sure you noticed, no update yesterday. The situation at the moment is as follows:

Today I finished and sent a copy of the first draft of the background and theory part to my G-person at the uni. She will read it through when she has the time, and from tomorrow onwards I will start working on the actual analysis. I will definitely have to revisit the background and theory part at some stage, but not before I get some comments on it. Hopefully next week I’ll also get to have a face-to-face meeting with my G-person, and things will pick up more speed from there. After the G-person has given me her comments, I will fix whatever needs fixing, and probably send the text to a couple of other test readers as well. Unless of course the text is so bad it needs to be rewritten completely, but I don’t really believe that will happen.

In any case, there will be no new page counts this week, because I need to analyse all the articles before I can write more. My aim is to get through them before Monday, but since I haven’t started yet, that might be a bit too optimistic. In any event, I’ll keep SW (and by extension, you) posted.

There was also a surprising turn of events today, which might mean work for me sometime in the future. No more about that yet, as it’s very preliminary and completely unsure, but enough to make me a little jittery. In a good way.

Today was pretty much like pulling teeth, so no stats. We’re leaving for Raahe a bit later and I’ll be taking the computer and a few theory articles with me. Still, the next update will probably be on Tuesday, as that’s the next Official G-day. Until then, enjoy Easter! I’m sure planning to.

Stats at the beginning of the day:
Word count: 6,668
Page count: 18.5

Stats at the end of the day:
Word count: 7,280
Page count: 20

Notes:
Today once again looks better than it is. I got seriously sidetracked by the new broadband router that arrived and demanded some serious configuring etc. So, pretty much all of today’s word count is due to appropriating stuff from my Seminar paper, which means I wrote next to nothing original today. Oh well, at least the page count is increasing… Tomorrow I swear I’ll do better!

Stats at the beginning of the day:
Word count: 6,420
Page count: 18 (almost)

Stats at the end of the day:
Word count: 6,668
Page count: 18.5

Notes:
Today was pathetic word count -wise, but it’s mostly because I’m wallowing in a neverending swamp of complex theory, and it’s really slow. Still, I have high hopes for tomorrow, because I think I finally grasped what I still need to add into this particular section… Nevertheless, I’m sick and tired of the whole theory part, and am ardently hoping to be rid of it soon. Blah.

Stats at the beginning of the day:
Word count: 6,171
Page count: 17

Stats at the end of the day:
Word count: 6,420
Page count: 18 (almost)

Notes:
I almost forgot to update SW, hence the lateness. The word count isn’t much, but I did some major reorganising, which really made a difference. Still, I rewrote so many things today that I definitely have to read it all again tomorrow just to see if it still makes sense. Now I’m off to bed.

Stats at the beginning of the day:
Word count: 5,919
Page count: 16

Stats at the end of the day:
Word count: 6,171
Page count: 17

Notes:
Okay, a really low word count increase, as I was mostly adding stuff here and there instead of writing an entirely new section. Still, it’s progress. I won’t be writing during the weekend unless I get an unexpected inspiration, but instead I’ll be doing quite a bit of reading. The goal is to skim through all the theory material to see what I still haven’t written about. The main purpose is to organise a map of information I will then write about during next week. I’m hoping to have a full first version of the past research and theory sections by Thursday evening, which I can then send off to my G supervisor. After that it’s all about analysis, and of course fixing the theory section as soon as I get some feedback.

The really bad of today: Leke’s got the flu. I’m very, very hopeful I won’t catch it, but only time will tell. Damnation.

Stats at the beginning of the day:
Word count: 5,546
Page count: 15

Stats at the end of the day:
Word count: 5,919
Page count: 16

Notes:
I really hit a brick wall today. All day, nothing. I couldn’t concentrate, not one bit, and when Leke came home from work I was almost in tears when I told him I’d made no progress whatsoever. It wasn’t for lack of trying, I can tell you. I tried everything to either talk myself into working or even coercing myself, but nothing worked. And then, after pouring my heart out to Leke about how I just couldn’t do it, I suddenly did. I sat down, tried to approach the problem I was having from another direction, and suddenly the words started coming out. I ended up with almost an entire page of pretty good stuff, and another theory bridge crossed. How weird is that?

I gotta say, even though it ended well, I really hope there aren’t too many days like this in store.

In other news, I received two albums today: Frou Frou’s Details and Panic at the Disco’s A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out. The former I’m seriously loving, the second I haven’t had the time to listen yet, but I’m pretty sure I’ll like. Frou Frou is a collaboration between Imogen Heap, my current number one obsession on the music front, and Guy Sigsworth, who is pretty much an unknown to me. I was starved for Imogen stuff as I have both of her solo albums and have listened to them ad nausea, except I’m still not sick of them. Nevertheless, I wanted something “new”, and although the Frou Frou album is from 2002, it’s new to me. And great. So, if you’re Imogen-inclined, I warmly recommend.

Panic at the Disco is, well, something that sort of grew on me. I didn’t really like them at first, although the use of old-style circus stuff in their performances and videos appealed to me, but somehow after a while I started to like the music as well. Weird and energetic. So, I’m giving their first album a chance, and if I really like it, I’ll buy the new one as well.

Stats at the beginning of the day:
Word count: 4,978
Page count: 14

Stats at the end of the day:
Word count: 5,546
Page count: 15

Notes:
The morning was really hard. In the afternoon the text flowed better, and I ended up writing a really good section for the theory part. The word count needs to pick up at some stage, but I’m hopeful it will do so as soon as I’m done with the theory section. Unfortunately, that won’t be happening any time too soon. Still, any progress is better than no progress at all, and I’m really pleased with that aforementioned section. Tomorrow I will definitely need to spend some time just reading, as I’m running out of stuff I can write without constantly consulting the theory texts… Hopefully I’ll still get a decent increase in the word count.