Swirlwind

I was woken up by a phone call this morning bearing sad news. Grandma Elvi passed away last night. It wasn’t unexpected — she had been suffering from Lewy body dementia for a long time now, and most of the time she was living in her own world. Her illness made communicating difficult, as she would go on rants about things that simply weren’t there. Sometimes the rants would be malign towards the people she loved. For a long time now, I felt like she was not the person who I knew as my grandmother. It is, perhaps, fair to say that in this case death was a mercy.

And yet I’m sad. I mourn the piece of my childhood that will be buried with her. I mourn the sadness in my father’s voice when he called to let me know. I mourn the fact that I didn’t visit her before her death, fully knowing that it was a conscious choice on my part, and that it probably would have done little good to either of us. I mourn because I loved her, and she loved me.

She would have turned 90 in a few weeks.

My fondest memories of her are things from my childhood: the tremendously tasty fish soup she would make from the catch grandpa Martti and I would bring from the nearby lake. “Iltasaikka”, a cup of tea in the evening with milk in it. Her beautiful handicrafts adorning the homes of all her relatives. Palojärvi, the farm where my dad grew up and where we visited in summers and Christmases, and where many of my best childhood memories are from.

It would please me very much to think that she is now in a happier place, reunited with her husband and countless other loved ones she had lost during her long life. I will remember her like she was before she fell ill, and I will miss her.

Okay. So I skipped my wedding and my 30th birthday. The question needs to be asked: should Swirlwind be buried for good? Obviously I’m not writing about the important stuff any more, or about anything else, really. Months go by without me even taking a look at this site, and I sincerely doubt anyone comes around to see if I write something at this point. Not that the audience was ever the point. So why did I stop writing? The simple answer is, there’s nothing to write about, but that’s cheap. The slightly more complicated answer is that I gave up on the idea of reaching catharsis through exposing my issues. Not because it doesn’t work, but because my issues got the better of me. That tastes more like truth in my mouth.

Which is really a shame.

And I think I can do better than this.

I should really write about the wedding, but I’m in Raahe at the moment, there’s an autumn storm outside, grandpa is in the hospital and I’m feeling vaguely fluish, so I’m afraid this won’t be the wedding update. I’ll only say that it was beautiful, and everything we wanted. There’s a glowing ember inside me whenever I think of it, and it keeps me warm and happy.

Outside the wind tears through the trees and wrenches the few remaining leaves in its grasp. It’s dusky and the rain is cold. I want to be home with Leke, light candles, huddle under a blanket and sip hot tea, but I can’t just yet. I came here yesterday to keep grandma company when grandpa’s condition was still uncertain, but we visited him today and he seemed to be doing better. Mum and dad will be back from a trip later today, and after that I can go home. This wasn’t exactly what I had planned for the weekend, but it’s okay. I just wish I wasn’t feeling so tired.

Next week should bring some winds of change with it. I applied to a program for people with a university-level degree and an interest in entrepreneurship, which might be helpful in finding clients for my little translation business. I may also have a work gig coming up, but it’s still a bit uncertain. Hopefully things come together, but even if these particular things don’t work out, it’s at least nice to notice that I’m once again interested in pursuing new things. It’s been a while since I last felt that way.

I had a wedding panic attack this morning. Not a real one, where you’re gasping for air and you think you’re going to pass out or even die, but an emotional one anyway. It wasn’t the first one, either. It took me some soul searching to finally reach something of an epiphany about the whole thing. Apparently getting married pushes all my buttons at the same time.

For an utterly unromantic person, my views on marriage are deeply emotional and remarkably romantic. Marriage, to me, is a solemn vow. Yes, it includes legal implications and practical considerations, but the act of saying “I do”, or whatever, is an oath. A tie that binds. A pledge that carries an undercurrent of something sacred. And it should be treated as such. The wedding itself is a celebration of that oath, but in many ways I also see it as a reflection of it. I keep trying to make sure it will be perfect in every possible way while also realising that there’s no way to make sure, because it can’t be controlled like that. And that’s where the stress comes from.

Of course, there’s more to it as well. All my life I’ve bottled things up. I listen well to others, but I’m damnably bad at sharing, and it keeps getting worse. A few weeks ago one of my dearest friends asked me how I was, and for the first time I realised I couldn’t give her an answer. Not because I didn’t trust her, but because I had become mute. This blog is evidence of my inability to open up lately, even to myself, and the trend is worrying. At some point I’ve confused strength with not revealing weakness. I hold on to the façade like my life depended on it, and it’s not taking me anywhere I really want to go.

I should write my wedding vows. All these years we’ve lived in a kind of bubble no one else can see into, and now I should put it into words, for other people to hear. The thought fills me with abject terror. For as long as we’ve been together, there has never been any doubt in my mind that Leke is the person I want to be with. A part of me knew it even when I was nowhere near ready to make such a commitment to another person. The terror doesn’t come from uncertainty, but from putting those feelings into words and then laying them bare in front of a crowd, even if the crowd is made up of people I care about. That’s a lot to ask of someone who can’t seem to open up even to her best friends. And yet it must be done.

I think the discussions we’ve had about the wedding with my sister and her husband have been the most revealing and helpful in realising where all my discomfort is coming from. I’m still struggling with all of it, but I’m very grateful to both of them, because I’d never have got this far without those discussions. Now it’s up to me to walk the rest of the way to find my voice again.

Dear Emma,

It’s been a while. I’ll go straight to the point: you keep ignoring my attempts to get in touch, and frankly, it’s making me unhappy. You and I, we’ve been through a lot together. We used to trust each other. I’ve noticed you’ve stopped making promises, especially to me, but to others as well. I know how much you value your word, and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s going on. You’re afraid you won’t keep it this time, and if you break your word, you lose something irreplaceable. We both do.

I’ve tried to be understanding. I know what uncertainty feels like, and I know how afraid you are. I feel it, too. But this has to stop. Remember how good it felt today, to get things done? How happy it made you? You keep thinking you’ve lost something, but it’s all there, buried under the uncertainty. The same mind, the same spine. It’s just faith you’re lacking.

Now before you say anything, let me just point out that there actually was a time when you had faith in yourself. I remember it quite clearly. If you look back at all these entries, you’ll find it’s true. Even when you had doubts, you trusted me to pull you through. What happened to that? Did I let you down? We both know that’s not it. I think you just allowed yourself to grow soft. I’m not suggesting you should go back to being stressed out of your mind, but there must be a middle ground here. I’d like to help you find it.

Trust me, I know how hard it is for you to take anyone’s advice. We were born stubborn, and it seems to get more and more predominant the older we get. (I realise you think it’s practically a virtue, but frankly, it can be very annoying as well.) However, you should also understand that it works both ways. You can stubbornly continue to ignore me and my advice, but I’ll be just as stubborn in trying to get through to you. It’s time for you to let your guard down a little.

Back to what I mentioned before: your word. You understand there’s a big promise coming up later this year. I know you question your readiness, but really, this has been a long time coming, and I know it’s what you want. It’s only your capability to take it seriously that I’m worried about. Just between you and me, you really suck at talking about your feelings. You listen well to others, and you often give good advice, but when it’s your turn to open up, you clamp shut. “Trust issues”, you say when questioned. Right. You’re going to have to try harder than that.

I’m just going to say it, even though I know you really don’t want to hear it: shame. You’re ashamed. Mushy feelings = weakness. Failure = weakness. Weakness = the ultimate no-no. You barely stand it in others, but in you it’s like a death sentence. Not very productive, you know. Of course, the worst thing about it is that you’re constantly weak, but you turn a blind eye to it because you can’t handle it. There’s a word for it. Hypocrisy.

Okay, I’m coming on a little strong here, and I apologise. No need to get all hedgehog about it. I don’t expect you to instantly change your ways, but I do expect something from you. I want your word. And not one of those “I promise I’ll try” bullshit tricks you’ve been giving out recently. We both know what those mean. I want an actual promise. Consider it a teaching case: if you succeed in keeping it, you’ll have that much more faith in yourself. If you fail, it’s an exercise in failing gracefully and learning from it. I’ll start out small, but remember, the next time it’ll be harder.

I respect your privacy enough to leave the actual promise out of this, but I will write it down elsewhere. I’ll also make a promise to you in return: I’ll see you through this. I’ll be here, every step of the way. You have my word.

Yours sincerely,

Emma

Joulu is just around the corner and my last update is from September. Bad, bad me, no cookie! Even so, this is just a short one to let you know I’m still alive, and right now, really happy. I’ve finished most of the traditional preparations for Joulu, met with most of my best friends, exchanged gifts and been reminded that no matter how dark the inside of my head gets, there’s a bunch of wonderful people out there who actually think the world of me even when I don’t. So, no moody blues today. Only love.

Grandpa was admitted to the hospital two nights ago, and he’s not doing well. An aggravated infection and an infarction, and as always, there’s no way to know which way the scales will tip. I’m going to Raahe tomorrow to spend a couple of days there, keeping grandma company and visiting grandpa.

It’s been about eight years since I last lost someone I loved. I have no idea how I would react to death now, and I’m not particularly eager to find out. I hold out hope for grandpa to get better, but then again, the inescapable truth is that he’s not getting any younger. If it’s not this one, maybe it’ll be the one after that or the one after that. And I won’t be ready, because you never really can be.

One of my best friends took a plane to Berlin yesterday, and plans to stay for at least a year, or maybe for good. I’m really happy for her, because this is what she wanted for so long, and now it’s happened. Of course, at the same time I’m really sad for myself, because I love spending time with her, and now there’s no knowing when the next time will be. Another really good friend will be taking off later this month, to join her busband in Bangalore. Again, the mix of happiness and sadness, and just this feeling of all-encompassing loss. It’s not fair, really, since it’s not like I’m losing them. It just feels like it, that’s all.

Okay, this is going to the wrong direction a bit too fast. Let’s try something from the other end of the spectrum:

Yesterday I took part in a translation competition a friend tipped me of. I translated a short story by the Finnish author Maritta Lintunen from Finnish to English, and boy, it was hard. I haven’t translated much prose before, and it really shows. Still, I did my best, and I finished it even though there was a point where I seriously considered just giving up. I’ve no idea how well or poorly I did, but for me the important thing is that I finished it and did my best. I guess I’ll find out how I measured up sometime in November when they publish the results of the competition.

Today I have a lunch date with another really good friend of mine, which hopefully will lift my spirits somewhat. We’ll have lovely Indian food and a good conversation, and I’ll feel better. Besides, it’s autumn, and it’s beautiful outside. The world keeps turning, and everything is just around the corner.

It’s a gorram shame Firefly flies no more. It was no less than brilliant; in fact I had quite forgotten how good it was until I went and watched it (again) in the space of a few days. Sure, I remembered loving it, but I’d forgotten what that love felt like, and now it’s all fresh in my mind again. *sigh* It’s just too damn bad. Tomorrow I will cap it off by watching Serenity, and then I’ll bury it again for a while.

What I should be doing is designing a website for my private trader company called Write Words Language Services. Yeah, I’m an entrepreneur, my friends. Feels funny, but it’s true. Now all I need to do is make some business happen, and I’m all set. Fortunately I have at least one job coming up, and a possible little something else as well. There are still some loose ends that need tying up, but nothing that can’t be handled. I’m pretty happy about the way things are for the moment, and hopefully more good stuff is coming my way soon.

Otin ja heittäydyin.

Kaikki alkoi siitä, kun kävin viimeisimmän kerran Työvoimatoimistossa. Siellä täti-ihminen jonka kanssa asioin totesi ykskantaan, ettei mun opintokombinaatiolla ole mitään mahdollisuutta työllistyä ilman palkkatukea. Ensin lähinnä nauratti tädin asenne, mutta salaa myös korpesi oikein tosissaan. Ei sentään niin huonoa ettei jotain hyvääkin: täti lykkäsi käteeni paperinpalan, jossa ilmoitettiin freelance-kääntäjän työpaikasta, joka kuitenkin vaatisi toiminimen. Jäin miettimään asiaa.

Iltaa kohden ja seuraavana päivänä suunnitelma alkoi hahmottua. Mitä menetettävää mulla ylipäänsä oli? Työttömän peruspäiväraha? Eipä sitä hirveästi kuukausittain tule, eikä se jatku loputtomiin. Olin tehnyt tämän ja parin aiemman vuoden aikana muutaman pitemmän käännöksen ja kielentarkastustyön, joten tiesin osaavani homman. Töistä oli vieläpä tullut oikein positiivista palautettakin, joten tiesin myös osaavani homman hyvin. Oli yleinen taloudellinen tilanne mikä tahansa, yliopistolta pakkaavat ihmiset valmistumaan, ja ainakin osa esim. teknillisestä tiedekunnasta valmistuvista tekee englanninkielisen diplomityön, jonka kieliasu pitää tarkastuttaa. Mikäpä mua siis estäisi?

Otin asioista selvää. Selasin Verohallinnon, Patentti- ja rekisterihallituksen, Yritys- ja yhteisötietojärjestelmän ja vaikka minkä sivuja, kävin verotoimistossa äärimmäisen avuliaan ja mukavan virkailijan puheilla ja aloin miettimään toiminimeä. Nyt paperit on melko pitkälle täytetty, samaiselle virkailijalle varattu aika huomisaamuksi, yhdenkertainen kirjanpito aloitettu, laskupohjia suunniteltu, nettisivuja pohdittu, ja tehty suunnilleen miljoona muutakin asiaa. Ensimmäinen työkeikkakin on jo tehty, kun osoittautui, että tarvitsen toiminimen saadakseni palkkion ulos firman byrokratiasta.

Vielä on hirvittävä määrä yksityiskohtia mietittävänä, mutta ehkä jo huomenna, tai viimeistään ensi viikolla, mulla on oma Y-tunnus. Sitten voin hakea sitä avointa freelance-kääntäjän paikkaa, ja jossain vaiheessa ensi viikkoa varmasti myös tehdä ilmoituksia yliopiston ilmoitustauluja varten. Ensimmäinen virallinen asiakas oli äärimmäisen tyytyväinen työn laatuun ja lupasi levittää sanaa tuttujensa keskuudessa, joilla saattaisi myös olla diplomityön kielentarkastuksen tarvetta. Kävi miten kävi, onnistuminen on nyt pitkälti itsestäni kiinni, ja se tuntuu vapauttavalta.

Ehkä onnellisin olen kuitenkin siitä, että pääsen ainakin joksikin aikaa eroon sekä Työvoimatoimistosta että Kelasta. Kohta en ole enää työtön työnhakija, vaan yrittäjä.

Elokuu alkaa jo pikkuhiljaa tuntua syksyltä. Kesä on ollut varsin mukava, mutta sitä on myös varjostanut työttömyys ja sitä kautta rahattomuus. Kaikki festarit jäivät välistä sekä huonon musiikkitarjonnan että edellä mainitusta johtuneen säästölinjan vuoksi, mutta pyörähdimme sentään Espoossa Ropeconissa, jossa Leke oli töissä ja minä lähinnä kipittelin puheohjelmasta toiseen. Reissu oli kaikin puolin oikein onnistunut ja kiva, joten toivottavasti seuraavaan kertaan ei mene yhtä pitkää aikaa kuin mitä edellisestä oli. (Kaapin pohjalta löytyi vuoden 2001 Ropecon-paita, enkä ole lainkaan varma olenko käynyt sen jälkeen kertaakaan ennen tätä vuotta.) Ehkä ensi kerralla voisi jopa panostaa asustukseen, nyt kun mentiin ihan normilinjalla.

Viimeisen kuukauden sisään mahtui myös kaksi pientä työkeikkaa, joista toinen oli käännös ja toinen kielentarkastus. Näistä rohkaistuneena (ja liittyen yhteen mahdollisuuteen josta ei nyt tässä vielä enempää) mietin muutoksen tuulia ja toivon, että tällä kertaa niistä tulisi jotain muutakin kuin haaveita, joita ei juuri nyt ole mahdollista toteuttaa.

Viime aikoina on usein ollut samanlainen fiilis kuin reilut kaksi vuotta sitten. Tarve päästä eteenpäin, lyödä uusi virstanpylväs maahan. Ehkä se hetki on jo ihan kulman takana, tai sitten siihen menee vielä pitkään. Kärsivällisyyteni vaan tuntuu olevan lopuillaan.

Something occurred to me today, just out of the blue: I’ve become way too serious about stuff. I mean, the part of my personality that wants to plan everything ahead, that says ‘no’ as the first, instinctual response to everything suggested, that balks at the idea of throwing a good party or heck, even attending one, is nowadays the dominant part of the whole. I’m not sure when this happened. I’m not even sure there actually was a time when it wasn’t like this, but I have a vague memory of sometimes, in some circumstances me being different. It seems like the imaginative, whimsical part of me is just gone, or buried somewhere deep, and it’s taken me a really long time to even miss it.

I’ve become a sourpuss.

What the hell? How can this be undone? I mean, yes, I’ve always been the kind of person who doesn’t let whimsy take over everything, you know, a person who needs a basic structure to hold things together, but a sourpuss? Only occasionally, my friend! Not as the norm. Sure, there are times when one needs to organise things and take stuff seriously, but that shouldn’t mean that life is all about structure. I’m not an accountant, for crying out loud! (No offense to accountants out there, it’s a respectable profession, I’m sure, just not what I’ve ever aimed at in life. Plus, sucking at math, here.)

So, what do you do when you have little money? You use your imagination to make ends meet, and try to have fun with what you have. What do you do when you don’t have a job? Repeat answer no. 1 and also, try to build up that crumbling professional self esteem however you can. Looking back at this time in my life, what is it that will stick out the most? The fact that I couldn’t land a job after graduation? The fact that most of the time, it made me miserable? The only motto I’ve ever lived by is ‘no regrets’. You did something wrong, you say you’re sorry. You messed something up, you try harder next time. You took the wrong path, well, either turn around or make it work. Hell, make it sing. It’s not over, it’s not even close.

This mood will pass, even when I’d like to hold on to it, but let it not be gone for good this time.

Olo on viime aikoina ollut jotenkin painostava. En jaksa mennä yksityiskohtiin sen kummemmin, mutta sanottakoon sen verran, että pään sisällä on liian monta toistensa kanssa ristiriidassa olevaa ajatusta, tuntemusta ja odotusta sekä itseäni että muita kohtaan jotta voisin olla tyytyväinen tilanteeseen. Niinpä ei auta muu kuin yrittää tehdä parannus, sekä aikaansaannosten että odotusten suhteen, ja katsoa josko tilanteen saisi siten haltuun. Haltuun se on joka tapauksessa ennen pitkää saatava, sillä nykytilanne on aika kestämätön.

Tarkennettakoon sen verran, että tyytymättömyyteni liittyy pääosin täysin itseni sisäisiin asioihin, jotka tuskin edes heijastuvat isommin ulos. Ei tarvitse huolestua, tai no, ainakaan muiden kuin mun. Totuus on, ettei kaikkien tarvitse pitää Emmasta, mutta Emman kyllä täytyy. Ei tässä muuten ole mitään mieltä.

Disclaimer: My space, my thoughts. I will rant here, because this is stuff that’s bothering me and needs to be let out, but if spoken aloud would hurt people’s feelings for no good reason. So, here it is, where the people who might be affected will never read it.

We’re in Raahe, taking care of my ill grandma and balance-challenged grandpa (the parents are in Birmingham for a week). My grandparents are sweet and I love them, but this is not how I was going to spend the extended weekend, and it affects me even when I try not to let it. Grandma has the habit of bossing people around, and since I just have to suck it up and take it even when it grates me, this is where I bitch. I know it’s immature of me, but I can’t help reacting this way. The only thing I can do about it is not to show it.

There’s just something about being at someone’s beck and call all the time, which I find both difficult and annoying. This coupled with the fact that I’m constantly worried about grandma, trying to monitor whether the situation worsens and she should be taken to the hospital, just makes me irate. I know she already feels guilty for us being here, because she hates to be a burden, so I keep holding onto a happy face around her to make her feel better. And it’s not all bad, since I do enjoy spending time with them and listening to their stories. It’s just the annoying feeling of the whole thing being compulsory that gets on my nerves. I deal really badly with being forced to do something, even when I’ve actually volunteered to do it and can completely understand it has to be done. I think it’s something that should get better with age, but in my case it just seems to get worse. The only improvement is that I mostly manage to keep my annoyment to myself. Usually, anyway.

This character flaw is one major reason for me to think I should never have children of my own.

Okay, it’s off my chest now. I’ll give myself a few more minutes before I go make coffee for grandpa and onion milk (don’t ask) for grandma…

Tilasimme kihlasormuksemme ja mun vihkisormuksen korupaja Kultaisesta Kuusta, jonka Petri Tuovinen suunnitteli ne meille omien ideoidemme pohjalta. Kaiken kaikkiaan suunnitteluprosessi sujui mukavassa hengessä ja vauhdikkaasti sähköpostin ja tekstiviestien välityksellä, ja lopputuloksen voi nähdä täällä. Leken sormus on keltakultainen taotulla pinnalla, kun taas mun kihlasormus on rodinoimatonta valkokultaa samanlaisella takopinnalla, mutta siinä on lisäksi kohokoristeita ja sen toinen ulkosyrjä on muodoltaan aaltoileva ja siinä on lovi vihkisormuksen kiveä varten. Vihkisormus puolestaan on sekin rodinoimatonta valkokultaa, mutta sileällä pinnalla ja sen koristeena on luonnonvärinen musta timantti. Kokonaisuus on mielestäni pitkälti itseni näköinen, ja olen siihen todella tyytyväinen.

Häitä suunnitellaan pikku hiljaa, mutta koska tässä on yhdet toiset hääjuhlat tulossa lähiaikoina, joissa toimin toisena kaasona, ei hirveästi ole vielä edistytty omissa suunnitelmissa. Eipä tässä ole onneksi vielä kiirettä.

One of the blogs I follow, called Jatulintarha by Jenny Kangasvuo was deleted by Blogsome a few days ago without any warning. She reported the problem via the Blogsome forum, and the answer she got was not very reassuring:

The blog was intentionally deleted by an administrator yesterday. It seems that a complaint was received about it, but I don’t have any details of the complaint.

According to Blogsome’s terms of service, they have the right to terminate the service they offer at any time, without any explanation:

Browse The World Ltd. shall also have the right without notice and at any time to terminate the blogsome.com web site or any portion thereof, or any products or services offered through the blogsome.com web site, or to terminate any individual’s right to access or use the blogsome.com web site or any portion thereof.

You agree that any termination of your access to the sevices so provided under any provision of these Terms of Service may be effected without prior notice, and acknowledge and agree that Browse The World / blogsome.com may immediately deactivate or delete your blogsome.com site/blog and all related information and files in your blogsome.com site/blog and/or bar any further access to such files or the blgosome service. Further, you agree that Browse The World shall not be liable to you or any third-party for any termination of your access to the service.

The blog was back online today when I checked it, but according to Jenny, there has been no explanation as to the nature of the complaint received or for anything else, for that matter. Sure, we all agreed to the terms of service when we first put up our blogs, but I still think that it’s going a bit far to just delete a blog after receiving one complaint and never even contacting the blog owner first. Hell, the least they could do is to tell Jenny what the complaint was about.

Of course, the reason may very well be related to the nature of the blog, here described by Jaakko Meriläinen:

The blog in question was written in Finnish by a well-known Finnish feminist researcher and sexual minority rights activist and it contained, in addition to personal reflection, texts about Finnish academia and her research on pornography and sexual minority issues, with the tag “porno” being used.

I for one am feeling quite apprehensive about continuing to use Blogsome as the host for my blogs. Annoyingly enough, it is the best free blog service I’ve come across so far, at least from a technical standpoint. So, what to do? Any suggestions for better free hosts?

Edit later:

The admins at the Blogsome forum clarified the issue, and I for one am satisfied with the result:

I apologise for the error made. Just a little bit of background - we get literally 100’s of pornographic blogs set up (and 100’s that are in flagrant breach of copyright). It is not an easy task picking out valid ones from bad ones. If this is an error it is the first, following the deletion of 1000’s of pretty awful blogs. The task is made more difficult as we don’t particularly like looking at the porno blogs in detail to investigate.

In relation to this case, it wasn’t a random deletion. The error arose from a blog post entitled:
“Give me crack and anal sex”
http://jatulintarha.blogsome.com/2007/10/03/give-me-crack-and-anal-sex/
The reviewer assumed that this was a pornographic blog in error and deleted.

I think that’s a fairly reasonable mistake to make, especially if one doesn’t speak Finnish and thus is not able to read the full entry. Now that the admin actually apologised and fixed the mistake, I think it’s not necessary for me to look for another host for my blogs. I find it reassuring to see that things can be resolved quickly and openly with Blogsome admins.

Mass Effect 2:n uusi traileri näyttää todella hyvältä! En malta odottaa ensi vuoden alkuun… ;)

Lisäksi Star Wars: The Old Republicin E3-traileri on todella vaikuttava, vaikkei siinä varsinaista gameplay-matskua olekaan:

Ja lopuksi muistutuksena itselleni: rakas XBOXimme lähti tänään kohti Saksaa ja korjausta. Ilmoittivat, että korjausaika on 2-3 viikkoa, joten katsotaan. Lohdukseni käskivät jättää kovalevyn kotiin, joten mun pelisavet ovat ainakin toivottavasti turvassa olohuoneessa.

Huh sentään. Tämä päivä alkoi vähän turhankin ankaralla nuotilla, mutta jospa tämä tästä. Viime aikoina tapahtunutta:

- pikavisiitti Tampereelle äidin ja isän kyydillä huonossa kunnossa olevaa Elvi-mummua katsomaan. Tavattiin Elviä, Maikkia, Henriä ja Nenneä, Sippolan väkeä ja vielä Isomäkiä ja Salmisiakin. Reissu meni kaiken kaikkiaan tosi hyvin, joskin mummun hauraus surettaa. Silti, hän selvästi piristyi näkemisestämme ja on sittemmin päässyt käymään myös kotonaan, jossa pää kuulemma selkeni huomattavasti.

- posliininmaalausurakka Raahessa. Maalasimme äidin kanssa yhteensä 199 kynttilänjalkaa (isä rikkoi yhden) reilun kahden päivän aikana, ja viimeisimpien tietojen mukaan tähän mennessä poltosta tulleet ovat onnistuneet. Urakka oli aika raskas ja välillä hermoja kiristävä, mutta tulipahan tehtyä.

- kihlajaisten juhlistusta Liljellä ja Samulilla. Tosi kiva ilta.

- Annan lakkiaiset. Mukavat juhlat nekin.

- suhteellisen runsaasti liikkumista sekä yksin (kuntosali) että Even kanssa (kävelyä).

- XBOX 360 -konsolin hajoaminen, system error E74. Tänään olen paininut käsittämättömän paskasti järjestetyn asiakaspalvelun kanssa ja polttanut päreeni pahasti. Aika näyttää miten homma etenee.

- kotisivujen toimimattomuus DNA:n “muutosten” vuoksi. (Sen vuoksi mm. SW:n graffat ei toimi, ne kun sijaitsevat mun kotihakemistossa…) Tällaisista muutoksista voisi oikeasti kertoa asiakkaalle etukäteen, mutta näköjään DNA:sta on kivempi korjata paskaa tuulettimesta oikein urakalla jälkikäteen. Ihan miten vaan, mutta maksavaa asiakasta alkaa pikkuhiljaa riepomaan kun hommat ei etene.

- tiedostettua huonompi rahatilanne, joka johtanee siihen, että nyt leikataan niistä vähistäkin menoista mihin tähän asti on ollut varaa. Ei ole omiaan nostamaan mielialaa, mutta näin se nyt vain menee.

Tänään on luvassa vielä omat kihlajaisten juhlistamiset ravintola Matalassa, mutta sen jälkeen hanat menee kiinni.

Go See It.

One of the most haunting and impressive scenes in film history:

This rain feels like the beginning of summer. Like it can wipe away all the lingering remains of winter and bring in the new and the fresh. I’m really looking forward to the rest of the snow melting away.

Grandma Elvi has once again been hospitalised. She suffers from an infection, but this time she’s also experiencing hallucinations and a lot of what she says makes very little sense. She seems to recognise people, but it’s like she has stepped out of reality to somewhere else. We don’t know if she’s coming back.

We have ordered our engagement rings and my wedding ring. I don’t know exactly how long it will take to make them, but we’ll get them sooner or later. We’ve also pretty much decided on the wedding date, but since the place is still to be decided, I think I will hold on to the secret for a while yet. At any rate, it’s not this year, so it’s not like there’s any rush.

I forgot my Ankh pendant in Raahe the last time we visited. I’ve found myself missing it quite a few times. Huh.

I meant to write this particular entry for my birthday, but hey, lately my plans really haven’t worked out the way I thought they would, so why would this be any different? The inspiration came from two entries written by Siren in her Finnish blog, Sudet tulevat. She listed her fictional male and female crushes, and got me thinking about mine. ‘Cause I sure have a few…

So, this is how it works. The ladies and gents are in no particular order, because I couldn’t possibly come up with an order of preference. Any one of them I would bed in a heartbeat, and soon I will tell you why. Most of them I would never give the time of day in real life, but this is fiction, not real life. Also, only characters from movies and TV-series are included, because otherwise there would never be an end to this entry.

First I give you an image of the character (click to enlarge) and their name, and the movie/series s/he is from will be within parentheses. A word of warning: some spoilers regarding the movies/series will surely follow, so consider yourselves adequately informed. (The images are taken from all over the web, so none of them are owned by yours truly.)

We’ll start with the gents:

Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars)

Born into a wealthy family, abused by his famous father, hated by many and loved by few. Logan is the very definition of damaged goods, and I absolutely adore him as a character. Witty, passionate, complicated, self-destructive, tough, yet vulnerable. His love for Veronica makes him approachable despite his less appealing characteristics, and by the end of the first season, his character was the one thing that got me coming back for more. I hate the way things ultimately ended as far as Logan was concerned, but his character will always be included in my list of fictional crushes.

William the Bloody aka Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

The spurned romantic turned into a soulless bloodsucker, who still somehow managed to hold on to his humanity. Sure, he was a vicious killer, but at the same time he sincerely loved Drusilla, and later Buffy. Spike epitomises a person who is ruled by his passions. “Love’s bitch”, as he calls himself. He is incredibly perceptive and intuitive, and entirely honest to himself about the things that drive him. While he fancies himself a bad boy, even evil, it is clear from the first time his character enters the series that neither of those qualities do him justice. Spike steals every scene he’s in, and I could never get enough of him.

John Crichton (Farscape)

The intrepid explorer, the brilliant scientist and the kick-ass (anti?)hero all rolled in one. While Crichton is a wonderful character all on his own, it’s his love for Aeryn and his best-buddies-friendship with D’Argo that truly make his character stand out as exceptional (and exceptionally hawt). To me, Crichton represents humanity’s best characteristics, and if we ever needed to send an embassador to meet aliens in space, he’d be the one we should pick. Brains, brawn and, perhaps most importantly, heart.

Malcolm “Mal” Reynolds (Firefly)

Fiercely loyal and stubborn to the point of stupidity, Mal holds on to his ideals and the people who form his family aboard the Serenity. Behind the tough-as-nails exterior, Mal would do anything, go to any lengths to protect his people from harm. And while he never really manages to confess his love for Inara, it’s clear he feels it. However, my favourite relationship in the series is the one between Mal and his second-in-command, Zoë. Utter trust and an understanding so deep, it requires no words.

Lenny Nero (Strange Days)

Lenny starts off as a pathetic loser who has sacrificed everything in order to hold on to his memories of a relationship that ended long ago. He has pawned his pride and is unable to recognise the people who use him from the people who truly care about him. It takes a real twist of fate to turn him around and find himself, but when he finally does, the transformation is pretty spectacular. Lenny is one of my all time favourite antiheroes, and I love him to pieces. Mostly it’s because despite his utter spinelessness at the beginning, he’s still a man of strong emotions. It’s really love that sank his boat, and I find the ability to love to be the ultimate turn-on.

James “Sawyer” Ford (Lost)

Lying, cheating, swindling rogue with (once again) heart. Sawyer is a damaged goods character, who cons because he’s been conned. There is nothing refined as to why he is so appealing to women, on the contrary, his appeal is rough, almost primal. However, at the same time he is clearly intelligent, which gives his character added depth. The accessibility to his character lies in his relationships with others, namely Kate, and, to a lesser extent, Hurley, Jin, Claire and Juliet.

Michael Samuelle (La Femme Nikita)

Cold as ice, yet containing such repressed emotion it’s a wonder he doesn’t burst. The relationship between Michael and Nikita is what kept the show going, and it flat out does it for me. Once again, Michael is seriously damaged goods. He starts out as practically an automaton, but slowly Nikita brings him out of his shell. Later, as we learn about the death of his wife, and his current family (especially his son), his character gains layers and becomes even more compelling. Gotta hate the mullet, but his soft French makes up for it quite nicely ;)

Han Solo (Star Wars)

The lovable rogue. Contrasted with Luke’s boyishness and naiveté, Han initially comes off as a self-serving Don Juan, but fortunately turns out to be more than that. Just as fortunately he still retains the roguish characteristics even when demonstrating courage, which keeps his character from remaining one-dimensional. Gotta love the cocky attitude paired with loyalty to his friends and loved ones.

Wolverine (X-Men)

There’s slight cheating in place here. I didn’t love any of the X-Men movies, but I’m an avid fan of the comics, and I love the comic character Wolverine. I also love Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine, but for (to some extent) different reasons. First of all, physical hawtness and sex appeal. Secondly, the love triangle between Wolverine, Jean Grey and Cyclops. Thirdly, because Wolvie will always do what no one else can, is tough-as-adamantium and despite all the ass-kickings he’s both given and received, he’s still a pretty darn smart guy. Sure, more heart than brains, but I’ve always been into passionate guys, and he definitely fits the description.

Morpheus (The Matrix)

Okay, I have a thing for Laurence Fishburne. I just do. Now, Laurence Fishburne + martial arts skills + cool outfits + a katana + philosophical sci-fi musings = hawtness. My only regret is that Morpheus played such a minor role in the sequels for the Matrix, but disregarding all that, HAWTNESS. Full stop.

Now it’s the ladies’ turn:

Zoë Washburne (Firefly)

A woman of unflinching loyalty and duty. At the same time, a woman of love and devotion to her husband and extended family aboard the Serenity. I’ve always been intrigued by the relationship between Zoë and Mal, which is so different compared to the relationship between her and Wash. Zoë and Mal are inseparable, but their personal relationship is built on their relationship as soldiers, and as Mal being Zoë’s commanding officer. At the same time Zoë and Wash are inseparable, but the ties between them are the ties between a man and a woman in love with each other. It is the most interesting “love triangle” I’ve ever stumbled upon, and it’s a damned shame I don’t get to delve deeper into it. Zoë is gorgeous, both in the military mode and out of it.

Faith (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

The dark slayer. Overt sexiness personified. The bad girl. She’ll kick your ass whether you’re on the street or in bed, and that’s what I love in a (fictional) person. Faith is damaged goods and often not very likeable, but damn, she’s hawt. However, what really made her character interesting was her relationship with the Mayor. She could never be loved for who she was in the Scooby gang, because Buffy already occupied the Slayer spot, but for the Mayor, she was unique. Always led by her emotions, Faith is in many ways the feminine counterpart for Spike/Logan/Sawyer/insert your favourite bad boy with heart here.

Lornette “Mace” Mason (Strange Days)

Characterised by her sense of loyalty and duty coupled with both physical and emotional strength, Mace is the polar opposite of Lenny. When she was weak and vulnerable, Lenny (before his eventual downfall) was there for her, and she always loved him for it. She is there for him long after he’s stopped deserving it, and eventually it’s she who instigates the change for the better in Lenny. One of my favourite Mace moments is when she drives the car off the pier and extends her arm to keep Lenny from getting hurt by the impact. It’s the quintessential reversal of traditional male-female roles, and it describes their characters perfectly. I could probably love Mace.

Kara “Starbuck” Thrace (Battlestar Galactica)

Reckless, capable, weak and strong at the same time. Starbuck resembles Faith quite strongly, but she has an added feeling of maturity I can’t really put my finger on. It’s not emotional maturity, that much is for sure, but maybe it’s the fact that she never actually crosses over to the “dark side”, while Faith does. Her complicated relationship with Apollo is interesting, but I think I’d find it more compelling if I actually liked Apollo better. As it is, Starbuck is for me the main reason to keep watching Galactica. I loved her best with short hair, but she’s hawt enough for me to put up with the longer hairdo as well…

Major Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex)

More machine than human, capable both physically and mentally, and in many ways androgynous despite her obviously feminine shape. Kusanagi is a mystery, both to her team members and to the viewer. Is humanity dependent on having a biological, human body? Kusanagi lost hers as a little girl, and her consciousness was transferred into a cybernetic body. She doesn’t feel the same way as a biological human does, doesn’t have the gender identity of a typical woman, the list goes on. The closest thing to a human relationship Kusanagi has is arguably between her and Batou, who is also almost entirely cybernetic. However, Batou is still clearly a man inside his head, and, for instance, keeps lifting weights even though there is no physical benefit to be had from the exercise. I find Kusanagi extremely compelling both physically and psychologically.

Aeryn Sun (Farscape)

Aeryn started out as a total soldier grunt, so brainwashed by her Peacekeeper background that there was almost no personality attached to her gorgeous form. After joining the crew of Moya, Aeryn began her journey towards becoming an actual person instead of being merely an extension to her weapons. She is strong and capable (as are all my female crushes, and most of the men as well, it seems), and increasingly human, even though strictly speaking she isn’t. Her love for Crichton gives her added depth, and their relationship has definitely become one of my all time favourites in any fiction.

Sarah Connor (Terminator 2 & Sarah Connor Chronicles)

Sarah has devoted her entire existence to her son and by extension, the future of mankind. Whatever comes her way, her number one priority never changes. Her fight against the machines has almost made a machine out of herself. It doesn’t mean she is incapable of feeling, quite the contrary, but she is still stalwart in her purpose. Take away John Connor, and there isn’t much left of Sarah. However, she is still very much a woman and a mother. She loves so selflessly and unconditionally, it is impossible not to admire that. Plus, she’s hawt, in all her incarnations.

Lisbeth Salander (Män som hatar kvinnor)

Okay, Lisbeth is probably the most damaged person on my list. Her past is so dark, it’s pretty much impossible to consider her entirely sane anymore, and yet she is one of the most compelling and attractive characters I’ve ever come across. Having been victimised a lot in her life, she still refuses to be a victim, which shows remarkable psychological and emotional strength. She is both the hero and the villain, and still remains utterly believable. She takes my breath away.

So, that’s it, at least for now. Shall I throw the ball to your corner next?

There is this person in my life.

For four and a half years, he’s been with me. It wasn’t easy, at first, since I was carrying quite a bit of baggage from previous relationships, but he was very patient with me. I’ve never met a better listener, or a less judgmental one.

He travelled to the other side of the world to be with me, and when we came back, he moved in with me for good. We’re both loners by nature, but somehow we never seem to be bothered by each other’s presence. He’s seen me at my absolute worst and weakest, as well as my best and strongest, and takes the swiftness of my mood changes pretty much in stride. There is no one in this world I trust more.

The only dream I have is of us growing old together. The biggest fear I have is me surviving him.

And so, when he came home from work today, carrying half a dozen dark red, velvety roses and two pieces of cake, and later asked me to marry him, I said yes.

Suck it up son o’ mine
Thunder blowin’ up your horizon

Changes come
Keep your dignity
Take the high road
Take it like a man
(Puscifer - Momma Sed)

Without giving anything away for fear the winds will change and blow it all away, I think I’ve found what to do with myself. I will give it a little time and a little effort, see if this thing takes root, and if it’s worth it to go chase the tornado. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about myself, it’s not to make rash decisions. Suffice to say, I haven’t felt this good about anything in years. I think the last time was when I was accepted to study at the university, and this path I’m looking at now would be if not entirely a logical, at least an emotional continuance to that one important turn in my life.

All my life I’ve struggled with the idealistic notion of incorporating passion into what would become my life’s work. I’ve wanted to love what I do, not just earn money and live my life when not at work. I’ve wanted to care about whatever it is I end up doing, but I’ve never managed to come up with something I’m that passionate about, and what still might earn me a living. Well, it may be there is little or no money to be had if I take this path I’m contemplating, but there is passion and love. Now it comes down to courage, determination, and luck.

And I’ve always considered myself lucky.

Pakko julkistaa näin hyvät uutiset: kirjahyllyprojekti (mainittu ensimmäisen kerran 16.7.2008…) on saatettu onnistuneesti loppuun! Angstailtuani aikani ja käytyäni tragikoomisen kehityskeskustelun rakkaimpani kanssa tässä pari päivää sitten tuuli muutti viimein suuntaa, ja sain jopa jotain rakentavaa aikaiseksi. Kirjahylly näyttää hemmetin hyvältä, on pölytön ja sekä sarjakuville että kaunokirjallisuudelle on lisätilaa taas joksikin aikaa. Hyvä homma, etenkin kun seuraava Amazon-tilaus on jo jonkin aikaa poltellut kukkaroa.

Ylipäänsä edellisen tekstin kirjoittamisen jälkeen on ollut kokonaisuudessaan parempi ja kevyempi fiilis kuin aikoihin, mikä on vähintäänkin lohdullista. Toki kunnes tuuli taas kääntyy, mutta sitä odotellessa tästä on parempi nauttia. Siksipä onkin erityisen mukavaa mennä tänään ystävän kanssa intialaiseen syömään ja parantamaan maailmaa. Ja ulkona paistaa aurinko niin kuin parhaimpanakin kevätpäivänä!

So quiet. I’m at the computer every day, sometimes I even consider writing a little bit of this or that in SW, but never get around to it. Currently I’m working on a translation, which has proven to be a bit more difficult than I originally thought, but which will have to get done regardless. It’s not a real job thingy, more like a favour, but at least it’s an exercise of the skills I sometimes think I’ve lost already. I haven’t, not really, but I still need to be reminded that they’re there. And sometimes I still don’t believe it.

Apparently this is what unemployment does to me. Gives me doubts upon doubts about myself. About how the world works and how I don’t in it.

There is more negative space in my head lately. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it depression, but it’s something.

I wish I had more courage.

No jo takkuaa tämä päivittäminen. Mulla on kyllä jo suunnitelmissa hieno synttäripostaus ensi viikolle, mutta jospa saisi edes ajan tasalle tämän sitä ennen… Eli, joulu ja uusivuosi meni mukavissa (joskin loppua kohden jo hieman uuvahtaneissa) merkeissä Raahessa sukulaisten parissa. Ihanuutta piisasi niin seuran, ruokien kuin lahjojenkin osalta, joten mitään ei meiltä puuttunut. (Paitsi Leken mulle ostamat lahjat, jotka jäi Ouluun ;) Aivan erityisen mukavaa oli nähdä kummityttöämme Nenneä pitkästä aikaa, ja olihan neiti kasvanut! Toivottavasti seuraavaan näkemiseen ei mene ihan yhtä kauaa kuin viimeksi.

Tammikuun alku meni toipuessa sosiaalisuusyliannostuksesta. Nyt alkaa jo pikkuhiljaa tuntua siltä, että ihmisiä sietää vähän isommissakin annoksissa, mikä lienee ihan hyvä asia ottaen huomioon, että perjantaina mulla on edessä työhaastattelu! Ensimmäinen sitten sen epäonnisen kv-sihteeritapauksen. Ehdin jo melkein heittää toivoni tämänkin suhteen, kun kutsua ei meinannut kuulua (deadline sille oli tänään, ja virka-aika oli jo ohi ennen kuin se tuli), mutta tulihan se sitten lopulta. Olen aika innoissani, ja toki jännittääkin. Aika näyttää miten siinä käy, mutta joka tapauksessa tuntuu mukavalta, että pääsin ainakin haastatteluasteelle. Kyseessä on alle vuoden mittainen määräaikainen toimi, mutta tärkeintä mulle onkin tässä vaiheessa se, että pääsisi ylipäänsä työmarkkinoihin kiinni. Enemmän tästä sitten tuonnemmin, kun selviää miten käy.

Tämä päivä vierähti pitkälti Raahessa jeesaamassa mummua ja vaaria äidin ja isän ollessa jenkkilässä reissussa. Vähän hermostutti ajaa autoa varsin pitkän tauon jälkeen ja vielä talviolosuhteissa, mutta ihan hyvin se meni. Ensi viikolla sama homma uusiksi, ja sitten loppuukin autolaina taas tältä kerralta.

No okei, vähän meni jaaritteluksi. Bloggaustaito on selvästi ruosteessa…

Okay, executive decision: we’re not sending out Joulu cards this year. We left it until the last possible minute due to some unforeseen circumstances, and I refuse to let it become just another chore that needs doing. So, no cards this year, no guilty conscience, and no undue stress. Just so you know.

Kämppä on koristeltu, osin hieman koomisestikin, ja joulu on jo ovella. Tai no ei ole, onneksi, koska kaikki paitsi kaksi lahjaa on ostamatta ja enimmäkseen vieläpä miettimättäkin. Ihan hiukkasen on ollut työttömyysmasennusta ilmassa, mutta yritän korvata sitä kotihengetär-meiningillä. Tai jollain. Kirjahyllyn vois järjestää uudelleen, kirjakasa lattialla kun tuntuu vain kasvavan. Pipareita vois leipoa. Tosin se on kivempaa Leken kanssa, mutta kuitenkin. Kuntosalilla vois käydä pitkästä aikaa, yläselkä-hartia-alue kun huutaa hoosiannaa eikä siihen oikein mikään muukaan auta. Ai, ja sitä yhtä avointa työpaikkaa vois hakea. Ei sillä että sitä saisin, mutta jos ei pelaa, ei voi voittaa. Ja masokismi pukee mua. Tai jotain.

Yritän elvyttää lukuharrastusta, kun kerrankin on aikaa. En meinaa aamuisin päästä sängystä ylös, mutta siihen voisi auttaa ajatus päivien täyttämisestä jollain “mielekkäällä”. Lukeminen avartaa, ja silleesti. En oikein jaksa ihmisten seuraa isoissa annoksissa, mutta satunnaiset sosiaaliset hetket on olleet ihan mukavia. Toisaalta alan tottumaan päivittäiseen yksinoloon siinä määrin, että se tuntuu mukavammalta kuin moni muu asia. En vieläkään tiedä mitä tehdä ensi viikonlopun suhteen, mutta ajatus jäämisestä yksin kotiin ei tunnu enää niinkään marttyyriudelta vaan lähinnä tervehenkiseltä valinnalta. Koska mun ei muuten ole ollenkaan pakko mitään just nyt. Vielä jos oppisin olemaan tuntematta syyllisyyttä siitä, olisi asiat aika hyvin.

Leke sai toivomansa työpaikan!!! Ensimmäinen työpäivä koitti heti tänään, joten jäin pitkästä aikaa yksin kotiin toisen lähtiessä töihin. Edellisestä kerrasta onkin jo kohta viisi kuukautta. Aika rientää. Onneksi mullakin on jotain millä täyttää päiväni, teen tässä nimittäin väitöskirjan kielentarkastusta, jonka ensimmäisen version tulisi olla perjantaina valmis. On mulla työhakemuskin vetämässä, mutta maanantaina kun soitin sen perään, sain kuulla että hakemaani paikkaan oli tullut pitkälti toistasataa hakemusta, joten toiveet eivät kyllä ole erityisen korkealla. No, tämän viikon aikana selvinnee pääsenkö haastatteluun.

En tiedä flunssaako (muka taas) pukkaa vai mistä on kyse, kun en aamulla meinannut päästä sängystä ylös ja nyt nenä on tukossa ja kurkku karhea. No, jospa kupillinen teetä parantaisi fiilistä. Joka tapauksessa olen todella tyytyväinen Leken hyvistä uutisista ja toivon hartaasti, että tämä työpaikka olisi sekä haastava että mukava sopivissa määrin. Jospa minäkin löytäisin jotain kivaa tässä ajan kanssa.

From the pain come the dream
From the dream come the vision
From the vision come the people
From the people come the power
From this power come the change
(Peter Gabriel: Fourteen Black Paintings)

Four years ago I made a disappointed comment about the American presidential election. I sincerely hope that today marks a true change in the way the world’s most influential nation conducts its business, and by extension, the business of the world. The way I see it, no nation can any longer afford to consider itself apart from the whole. If there is to be any hope at all for the future, we have to work together to get there. Hopefully this is one of the starting points.

Istun kotona. Kurkussa on alati kasvavat peitteet ja olo on kerrassaan nuutunut. Kummallista tässä on se, ettei kuumetta ole lainkaan, kurkku on vain aavistuksen verran kipeä ja nenä vähän tukossa, mutta siinä ne oireet sitten olivatkin. En tiedä mikä ihmeen viruspöpö tämän aiheuttaa, mutta puolikuntoisuus on jatkunut nyt jo monta päivää, ja kyllästyttää muuten ihan tosissaan.

No, en sitten saanut sitä duunia. Toki se harmittaa, ja etenkin torstai-iltana kun puhelu tuli, pettymys oli valtaisa. Sinä iltana en meinannut saada unta kun kävin vain ylikierroksilla läpi tiistain haastattelua, niitä virheitä mitä siellä tuli tehtyä ja toisaalta niitä onnistumisiakin. Perjantaina kuitenkin fiilis oli aamusta alkaen hyvä ja toiveikas, enkä oikein osaa itsekään selittää sitä miten nopeasti selätin pettymyksen. Luulen, että taustalla oli kuitenkin se, että olin rakentanut odotukset tuolle työlle ja sen saamiselle niin korkeiksi, että sitten kun humpsahdin pilvilinnastani alas, tajusin, että se todella oli vain pilvilinna eikä mitään sen kummempaa. Edelleenkin olen sitä mieltä, että olisi ollut todella mahtavaa saada se työ, ja uskon että olisin ollut hyvä siinä. Silti, tuskin se oli kuitenkaan se ainoa oikea duuni mulle, eli kyllä niitä hyviä paikkoja on tulevaisuudessakin tarjolla, ja jos ei täällä Oulussa niin sitten jossain muualla. Eniten siinä harmittaa se, että yliopiston kv-yksikössä on töissä todella hyviä tyyppejä, joiden kanssa olisi ollut mukavaa tehdä töitä uudestaan ja jatkossakin, mutta nyt sitä tuskin tulee tapahtumaan. Vaan niin se menee.

Tällä hetkellä tärkein tavoitteeni olisi ensinnäkin tervehtyä kunnolla, ja sen jälkeen viedä pyörä vuosihuoltoon, jotta sen todella heikossa kunnossa olevat takajarrut säädettäisiin kuntoon. Sitten uskaltaisi taas ajella talvikeleilläkin, nyt kun nimittäin hirvittää heti jos pitää jonnekin lähteä… Lisäksi pitäisi kirjoittaa yksi vetävä työhakemus sellaiseen duunipaikkaan, jota en kyllä usko oikeasti saavani, mutta mikä voisi silti olla tosi mielenkiintoinen ja haastava juttu, ja eihän sitä koskaan tiedä, jos vaikka tulisinkin valituksi. Luulen, että tässä vaiheessa tärkeintä on pysyä positiivisella mielellä ja uskaltaa hakea, vaikkei rahkeet tuntuisikaan riittävän. Ei mua kukaan kotoa lähde töihin hakemaan.

No eihän se tietenkään voinut tapahtua niin. En tullut valituksi.

Helvetti sentään että halusin sen työn. Huomisen on pakko olla tätä päivää parempi.

Perjantaille on varattu pöytä Zakuskasta tarkoituksena joko juhlia uutta työpaikkaa tai sitten nostaa malja epäonnistumiselle ja siitä selviämiselle. Joka tapauksessa elämä jatkuu, kävi miten kävi. Tänään käytiin Amnesty-infossa, josta tarttui mukaan halu lähteä vakavissaan mukaan paikallistoimintaan, nyt kun oma roolini Harharyhmässä on pienenemässä melko huomattavasti. Emman siis saa pois yhdistystoiminnasta, muttei yhdistystoimintaa Emmasta, vaikka Amnesty onkin järjestö eikä yhdistys… Ylipäänsä on viime aikoina ollut sellainen fiilis, että elämää pitää vähän tuulettaa, ja hakea sitä kautta inspiraatiota omaan olemiseensa.

(Jestas sentään, että haluan sen työpaikan. Tajuan kyllä, että sen eteen on nyt kaikki tehty, ja lopputulosta ei voi muuta kuin odottaa, mutta en voi mitään sille, että ajatus on jatkuvasti vallitsevana mielessä.)

Meinasin tuossa välillä jo vähän masentua työttömyyteen, mutta nyt tuntuu siltä että jalat kantavat taas eteenpäin. Saa nähdä miltä tuntuu perjantaina jos tilanne ei kehity toivomallani tavalla, mutta luotan joka tapauksessa siihen, että periksi ei anneta.